How Ambivalence Fuels Addiction — And How Equanimity Can Heal

I spend a lot of time helping people figure out what’s actually going on inside their heads. Sometimes, this involves asking cutting-edge questions like:

• “Do you really not care… or are you just too scared to care?”

• “Is this wisdom, or just total shutdown with a pretty Instagram filter?”

• “Are you being Zen, or are you just ghosting your own emotional life?”

Today, we're tackling a classic: ambivalence vs. equanimity — because they look eerily similar from the outside but could not be more different on the inside. One can save your life. The other can quietly steer you right back into a cycle of addiction. Fun, right?

Ambivalence: The Indecisive Toddler Driving the Bus

Ambivalence is that weird, frustrating state where you want two opposite things at the same time.  You’re torn between two opposing courses of action:
"I want to quit drinking... but I also want to drink until the concept of 'Monday' stops existing."
"I want to be healthy... but also, nachos."
"I want intimacy... but also, please never talk to me again."

When you're ambivalent, you’re emotionally stuck — ping-ponging back and forth between competing desires, never quite committing to either. Many times people in therapy will express apathy (not caring) which is a functional but maladaptive escape mechanism for the push and pull.  Ambivalence is exhausting. It breeds anxiety. And guess what? Humans hate feeling stuck and anxious. (Shock, I know.)

Cue the addictive behavior! Substances, gambling, doom-scrolling TikTok for three hours — all ways to temporarily escape the gnawing discomfort of not knowing what you really want or feeling incapable of choosing it.

Addiction often steps in as a crummy life coach:
"Tough decision, huh? Avoid the analysis paralysis.  Here, have a drink. Problem solved."
(Reader, the problem is not solved.)

Equanimity: The Mountain Who Answers No Emails

Now, equanimity — the real deal, the Buddhist "mountain mind" — looks calm on the outside because it is calm on the inside.  In equanimity, you (the mountain) are still impacted by “east and west winds” (read adverse and positive experience) but you stand strong because you don’t base your nature, emotions, and behavior on positive or negative experience.  You still have feelings. You still have desires. But they don't yank you around by the hair.  You observe them, you allow them, you respond thoughtfully (eventually). You realize, deep in your bones, that you are not the weather — you're the mountain the weather passes over.

Equanimity is what happens when you’re genuinely okay with life being exactly what it is, messy emotions and all. You're not pushing anything away. You're not clinging to anything. You're rooted. And because you're rooted, you don't need to compulsively escape.

So How Can You Tell Which One You’re In?

Here’s a field guide for your emotional safari:

Symptom

1. Emotional vibe

2. Decision-making

3. Self-talk

4. Coping style

5. Effect on life

Ambivalence

1. Panicked confusion, low-key dread

2. Stuck in endless "what ifs"

3. "I don't know what I want! I can't do this!"

4. Escape, numb out, avoid

5. Chaos, burnout, addictive cycles

Equanimity

1. Calm curiosity, gentle openness

2. Able to choose — but okay with uncertainty

3. "I may not have all the answers right now, and that's okay."

4. Stay present, respond slowly

5. Stability, growth, maybe some deeply wise staring out windows

Why This Matters in Addiction Recovery

Ambivalence is a major driver of relapse and stuckness.  When you’re ambivalent, substances look incredibly attractive — not because you're a bad person, but because you're seeking relief from an unbearable inner tug-of-war.

But when you cultivate equanimity?  You're still human. You still have tough days. But you’re not getting pulled back into using to cope with internal chaos, because there’s no chaos — just weather, passing over your mountain.

Recovery isn’t about being "positive" all the time. It’s about becoming solid enough inside yourself that you don’t have to run screaming every time an emotional thunderstorm rolls in.

Final Thought

If you ever catch yourself thinking, “Eh, I just don’t care anymore,” pause and check —
Are you standing tall like a mountain?  Or are you frantically building a psychological blanket fort to hide in?

Because real healing isn’t about not caring. It’s about caring deeply — but staying free.

Josh Wilde, LAC, LSW