“Am I Too Much?” — Barbie, People-Pleasing, and the Psychology of Shrinking Ourselves
As a psychotherapist, I hear it all the time: "I don’t want to be too much." Too loud. Too sensitive. Too emotional. Too opinionated. Too needy. Too masculine. Too feminine. Too much.
Let me tell you a little story.
When I was around eight, I was deep in the throes of imaginative genius—voicing a dramatic love triangle between Malibu Barbie, Ken, and a headless GI Joe (who, I decided, was deeply misunderstood). I was in it. Then, my mother’s boyfriend walked in, saw me, and flew into a familiar rage. He snatched the dolls away and yelled inches from my face so his spittle was hitting me, “Boys. Don’t. Play. With. Dolls!” After this, he would force me to spend hours working with him on car repair and, if I didn’t do something to his liking, he would yell “Josh, it’s not a Barbie! Hit the nail like a man!”
Something shifted in me as this was happening. I learned that parts of me—creative, expressive, joyfully weird—weren’t safe to show. In terms of child psychosocial development, this happened when I would ideally have been developing self-confidence in my abilities and capacities (think Industry vs. Inferiority by the O.G. psychoanalyst Erik Erikson). The rub here is that, like most children, I internalized this man’s narrative and then extended it to the world around me. So I began shrinking, sanding off edges, reading rooms like a psychic, and bending myself into shapes that made other people comfortable.
Welcome to People-Pleasing 101.
The Fear of “Too Much”
This fear isn't just a random social anxiety; it’s often rooted in trauma and survival strategy. If you grew up with abuse, addiction, or chaos, you probably learned to read moods like weather reports. You figured out who you had to be to keep the peace—or at least avoid the storm.
And here’s the kicker: People-pleasing is not kindness. It’s a coping mechanism.
Let’s call it what it is: emotional shape-shifting. You become a contortionist for connection, constantly performing a version of yourself that’s palatable. Over time, you forget who you actually are under all the masking.
In the world of therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS) would say your people-pleaser is a “protector part.” It’s trying to keep you safe by avoiding rejection. Meanwhile, your true self—your authentic core—gets locked in the attic like some gothic heroine in a Brontë novel.
People-Pleasing and Addiction: A Love Story
Now, when you spend your life suppressing your real feelings and needs to avoid being "too much," that emotion doesn't just disappear—it festers. You bottle it up, put a smile on your face, and maybe start reaching for something—booze, pills, food, sex, chaos, perfectionism—that helps you feel okay for five freaking minutes.
Addiction often starts here. Not with a desire to rebel, but with the aching need to soothe the parts of you that were never allowed to exist.
Gabor Maté says, “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain?” And so often, the pain comes from spending years being everything for everyone…except yourself.
Let’s Break It Down, Then Build It Better
So how do we stop living like a shrink-wrapped version of ourselves?
Notice the Inner Narrative
Pay attention to that little voice that says, “Don’t say that, it’s too much.”
Where did that come from? Is it six-year-old you being scolded over Barbie’s romantic affairs? Get curious.Practice Authentic Expression
Try saying what you really think—in safe places, with safe people. Yes, it’ll feel terrifying. No, you’re not dying. That’s just your nervous system stretching into new territory.Set Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls. They’re filters. You are allowed to disappoint people. You are allowed to not be for everyone. You are allowed to stop apologizing for being a human with needs.Reparent the “Too Much” Part
Talk to that inner child like a therapist-meets-hype-person:
“You were never too much. They were just not enough to handle you.”
You were magical, imaginative, and expressive. And that scared small, angry people. That’s not your fault.Name the Coping
Addiction? Overeating? Anxiety spirals? Call it what it is—a coping strategy that helped you survive when you didn’t know how to be safe in your own skin. Now, you get to learn new strategies.
The Grand Rebuild
Your authentic self is not a problem to be fixed. It’s a home you return to after years of squatting in someone else’s expectations. And yes, that means you get to be passionate, emotional, dramatic, silly, angry, vulnerable, honest, chaotic, compassionate, radiant, whole. You get to take up space.
So let me offer this blessing, from one former Barbie-loving, too-much-for-the-room kid to another:
May you be wildly yourself. May your too-much-ness be your magic. And may you never again shrink for rooms or people that don’t have the capacity to hold you.
Be kind to yourself.
Josh Wilde, LAC, LSW